How to have a Stag weekend

 
Modern life can be constraining for a man. Everywhere you turn, your natural instincts are suppressed by social conventions, your ingrained sense of right and wrong and the Sex Offenders Act of 1997. However, you are allowed a weekend off: your stag weekend. It’s a depravity theme park, where you can misbehave your legs off without fear of the consequences. Here’s how to make the most of it.
 
What does a stag weekend involve?
 
Imagine a troop of chimpanzees. These are not normal chimpanzees but chimpanzees with severe learning and behavioural problems. Now imagine the chimpanzees are beaten about the head for a few hours. Then they are given lobotomies. Finally, the chimpanzees are doused in aftershave, dressed in Ben Sherman shirts and released into a town centre with large amounts of cash and directions to the nearest Weatherspoons. That’s exactly what a stag weekend is like.
 
Alcohol
 
The great thing about a stag weekend, as opposed to a normal weekend, is that alcohol does not affect you as it normally would. On a usual night, you might expect ten pints of lager, four shots of tequila, three shots of Aftershock, five vodka and Red Bulls, two gin and tonics and several whiskeys to land you in A&E. But not on your stag weekend! You can comfortably drink all this and more and there’s no way it will end in violence, injury, criminal convictions and tears. And you’ll be fine the next day too.
 
Lap dancing clubs
 
If you do not go to a lap dancing club on your stag weekend, then according to an EU directive, it doesn’t count as a stag weekend and you have to go back and do it all over again until you get it right.
If you don’t know, lap dancing clubs are places where you can go and pay money for a real live nuddy lady with nice make up and nice hair to dance around near you, like really near you, practically on your lap! A real nuddy lady! How cool is that? In researching this book, the authors went to one such club and we’re sure that the nuddy ladies weren’t pretending but definitely really fancied us. Definitely.
 
We know what you are thinking. You’re feeling uneasy about the glaring dichotomy involved in attending a lap dancing club on your stag night, aren’t you? You are concerned that you are celebrating your union to a goddess, a woman who you love and worship without condition, by participating in a demeaning ritual which denigrates women (and therefore your future bride) by objectifying and comodifying women, placing a value on them according to their sexual utility to men rather than their spiritual and intellectual worth, thus perpetuating women’s centuries-old patriarchal oppression, a feature of which is the defining of female sexuality in terms of what men want rather than women want for themselves. That’s what your thinking isn’t it? You’re right of course, but all the same, have a look at the funbags on that!
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How to Have a Hen Weekend

 
An integral part of any wedding is the hen weekend. In fact it is now a formal legal condition of a marriage licence in many areas of the UK. Many brides worry about organising a hen do and are uncertain as to what it should entail. Worry no more, as we have some useful tips.
 
Is it tacky?
 
A common concern is that hen weekends can be tacky and embarrassing. Indeed, anyone who has wandered around a city centre at night will have witnessed the following scene on a tediously regular basis: a dishevelled and hopelessly drunk hen wearing L plates and flashing devil horns, make-up smeared all over her working class face, holding a fag in one hand and a kebab in the other as she is serviced from behind by a heavily-tattooed man between some bins down an alleyway whilst vomiting alcopops.
 
Of course that kind of hen night is all too familiar, so familiar in fact that we think nothing of it. However, you are much better than that. You are a creature unlike any other. You are a classy, sassy and sophisticated hen. You will travel in a pink limousine, sipping sparkling wine. No tacky L plates or devil horns for you – instead you will wear a tutu and a tiara. Everyone in your party will have tight-fitting T-shirts with the witty slogan, “One hen, twenty-four chicks, and no cocks.” Now that’s empowerment!
 
Who should I invite?
 
Your first instinct here may be to invite your closest and oldest friends: those who you love and trust and know you better than anyone else. Whilst this is a laudable idea, it’s not going to be much of a hen weekend with just the three of you! Instead you should invite anyone and everyone. It’s all about the numbers. Don’t be shy here; invite all your female acquaintances, even if you hate them.
 
You may wish to consider spreading the net a bit further by inviting any female you have ever met in any context ever. How about the receptionist at your doctor’s surgery? Or that nice lady who did the conveyancing on your house purchase? Or the independent witness to a road traffic accident you had a few years ago? If you are uneasy about this idea, don’t be. While it is a nice idea to share your hen weekend with close friends what is much more important is to appear popular. It doesn’t matter who you invite because they are not people, they are scenery! Get it?
 
What are suitable locations for a Hen weekend?
 
Never ever ever have a hen weekend in your home town. Your hen do is an excuse to travel to a far away city and stay in a posh hotel where you can talk down to the staff and feel important. Be aspirational. Ask yourself, where would Chantelle off Big Brother go?
 
It’s very important that you choose a location with lots of bars and clubs and streets where you can totter along with your party shouting obscenities at the locals. Don’t worry about offending the people that live in the city you visit with your behaviour – they long for the glamour of a hen party to brighten up their workaday lives.
 
Choose a location which is pretty and full of historic and beautiful architecture. The advantage of such a setting is that you will still appear demure and sophisticated when you squat and urinate in a crowded street. Suitable cities are Chester, York, Oxford, Edinburgh and Bath. But why not think outside the box? We suggest going to Dublin because no one else will have thought of it! You’ll be the only hen party in town!
 
Be a star
 
Many women feel uneasy about their hen weekend because they don’t like being the centre of attention. They dread the spotlight and worry about being embarrassed. This need not apply to you. A simple way to tackle this anxiety is as follows: imagine you have been in a terrible accident and suffered horrific brain damage! The injury has wiped out the parts of your brain which give you an awareness and consideration of other human beings. In fact you now see the world purely in terms of what it can give you, just like a baby. This wonderful technique leaves you free to drink irresponsibly, smash glasses, swear at waiters, slap other women and really enjoy your hen weekend. Girl power!