Modern life can be constraining for a man. Everywhere you turn, your natural instincts are suppressed by social conventions, your ingrained sense of right and wrong and the Sex Offenders Act of 1997. However, you are allowed a weekend off: your stag weekend. It’s a depravity theme park, where you can misbehave your legs off without fear of the consequences. Here’s how to make the most of it.
What does a stag weekend involve?
Imagine a troop of chimpanzees. These are not normal chimpanzees but chimpanzees with severe learning and behavioural problems. Now imagine the chimpanzees are beaten about the head for a few hours. Then they are given lobotomies. Finally, the chimpanzees are doused in aftershave, dressed in Ben Sherman shirts and released into a town centre with large amounts of cash and directions to the nearest Weatherspoons. That’s exactly what a stag weekend is like.
The great thing about a stag weekend, as opposed to a normal weekend, is that alcohol does not affect you as it normally would. On a usual night, you might expect ten pints of lager, four shots of tequila, three shots of Aftershock, five vodka and Red Bulls, two gin and tonics and several whiskeys to land you in A&E. But not on your stag weekend! You can comfortably drink all this and more and there’s no way it will end in violence, injury, criminal convictions and tears. And you’ll be fine the next day too.
Lap dancing clubs
If you do not go to a lap dancing club on your stag weekend, then according to an EU directive, it doesn’t count as a stag weekend and you have to go back and do it all over again until you get it right.
If you don’t know, lap dancing clubs are places where you can go and pay money for a real live nuddy lady with nice make up and nice hair to dance around near you, like really near you, practically on your lap! A real nuddy lady! How cool is that? In researching this book, the authors went to one such club and we’re sure that the nuddy ladies weren’t pretending but definitely really fancied us. Definitely.
We know what you are thinking. You’re feeling uneasy about the glaring dichotomy involved in attending a lap dancing club on your stag night, aren’t you? You are concerned that you are celebrating your union to a goddess, a woman who you love and worship without condition, by participating in a demeaning ritual which denigrates women (and therefore your future bride) by objectifying and comodifying women, placing a value on them according to their sexual utility to men rather than their spiritual and intellectual worth, thus perpetuating women’s centuries-old patriarchal oppression, a feature of which is the defining of female sexuality in terms of what men want rather than women want for themselves. That’s what your thinking isn’t it? You’re right of course, but all the same, have a look at the funbags on that!