It’s a well-known fact of life that men can attract women simply by having a nice car. Indeed, a recent survey found that 78% of women will fellate any man on the spot without a second thought if that man owns a Ferrari.

We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But I don’t own a Ferrari! I’ll never attract women. I’m off to drink some paint and throw myself in the canal. I hate myself.”

Well put that Dulux down young man because thankfully we, the authors are here to help. We know how to turn your car into a hoo haa magnet and you into a hoo haa magnate even if you drive a 1993 Ford Fiesta! Read on and find out how a few simple tips can change things for you.

The body kit

Remember that women will view your car is an extension of you. As such you need a muscular body kit like the one above to plant a subconscious thought seed in the female’s girlmind that you are a musclebound beefcake. It doesn’t matter if you‘re not actually buff because women won’t notice. Pretty sweet eh?

Spoiler alert!

A vital part of pimping your ride is a fixing a massive spoiler on the back. The bigger the better. Spoilers send a powerfully erotic message to women. For girls there is nothing sexier than a man with a huge spoiler. Indeed, many women are able to achieve orgasm just by looking at spoilers in the Halfords catalogue. Sigmund Freud wrote extensively on this phenomenon and also invented The Freudian Slip, a type of nightdress for your mother to wear.

Look at this spoiler, it’s a beauty. It turns a Honda into a Wonder!

The exhaust pipe

An often overlooked method of driving the ladies wild is to install a custom exhaust pipe. Why is this so important? We’re going to be blunt here and tell you that the exhaust pipe is a metaphor for your penis. Ask yourself, what woman would want to have sex with a man who has a small factory-fitted penis which makes a reedy little noise and produces white smoke? That‘s right! None.

What women want in a penis is length, width and for it to emit a mighty roar. You should therefore invest in a huge exhaust that is as noisy as possible. As a guide it should sound like Thor the god of thunder crashing a Boeing 747 into Brian Blessed‘s house.

Check this out.

The authors have firsthand experience of this. After fitting a beefy exhaust to our 1996 Hyundai Excel we found that women would often faint as we drove past, the glorious sound triggering an overwhelming lust in their fragile brain storks. A trail of prostrate beauties littered the pavements behind us.


Another excellent way to attract girls is to play music very loudly with your windows down. This will signal to women that you are confident, available and ready for action. But what music should you play? Why, David Guetta of course!


There are various other things you can do to your car to trick girls into liking you. Think about stickers. Why not have a sticker in your rear windscreen depicting a naked lady? This sends a clear message – that you like naked ladies! Women like men who know what they like.

Alloy wheels are another sure-fire way to attract hot chicks. A recent study by scientists at Oxford University found that women see alloy ownership as being the third most valued quality in a man, behind honesty and reliability.

Some men just stencil the question, “Interested” and their phone number on the back of their car as shown in this photograph.

We think this approach is too subtle. We suggest being more direct. Stencil the statement, “I would like to have full sex with a woman before I turn thirty please. Make yourself known.”



For men, trying to understand what the hell women are thinking can be a minefield. An absolute minefield. Not unlike the minefields Princess Diana, God rest her soul, campaigned so tirelessly to have illegalised prior to that tragic Paris evening in 1997 when a shit-faced Henri Paul drove England’s Rose into a big fucking pillar.

Anyway, one of the reasons so many men end up maimed in the female bomb maze is simply misunderstanding the non-verbal signals given off by the opposite sex – body language.  But there’s no need for you to lose a metaphorical leg and hobble around on a metaphorical bloody stump screaming in metaphorical anguish because we, the authors are here to assist.

Women – scary

Women are scary and bizarre creatures, by nature irrational and flighty. It’s not their fault, in the same way that dogs eating their own poo isn’t their fault. It’s just the faulty way God made them. What you need to know is that women never say what they really mean, which is why you should never listen to anything a woman says under any circumstances.

Luckily there is a way for men to decipher what women really mean under all that talk of Twilight and ‘respect’ and all that. Body language! A woman can say what the hell they want but you can cut through the annoying fem-fog and know incontrovertibly what they really mean but won’t say because of their period-addled minds.

Body language is a miracle breakthrough that means that you will know women  better than they know themselves whether they like it or not. Read on.

Body language

When you meet, hit on, date or harass a woman it is likely that they will display one of a limited number of body language patterns. This is what you need to know. Take this picture for example.

Things are not going well. The female shows her disinterest by turning away, subconsciously looking for the exit and resting her head on her hand ever so slightly, signifying boredom. She places an arm in front of her to form a physical barrier to her prospective suitor.

The man is thinking about football.

But how could things go better? What would this picture look like if the woman loosened up and stopped being such an old bag? See below.

That’s much better. She is smiling and engaged in eye contact with the man and their touching hands demonstrate ease in each other’s company and mutual attraction.

The man is still thinking about football. And rightly so.

There are other common non-verbal clues to how a woman is feeling about you and we will now examine the most common. Take this picture for example.

The authors see this one a lot. Notice the pinched nostrils and wide eyes. See how she points a finger in an aggressive manner. These are subtle tell-tale signs that this lady is slightly angry. But why is she is slightly angry? Who cares? Not us.

How about this picture? What do this lady’s subtle non-verbal clues tell us about her feelings?

This lady is crying. This may signify unhappiness. She may be unhappy about what you have just said or what you just did.  Or she may have been cutting up onions. It’s probably onions. Did you know that you can make an onion cry by cutting up a human? Do it now.

Let’s move on. What’s happening here?

This woman is signalling with her body language that she is uninterested in what she is hearing. But how? Look closer. Notice how she purses her lips sightly and the slight furrow in her brow. Also see her choice of shirt. It’s stripey. No one who is listening wears stripes.

What about this?

This woman is making a bold statement. She is playing with her hair.  Her body posture is open, and welcoming. She has, without knowing, turned her hips to accentuate her thighs. See how she loosens a shoe in a subconscious rehearsal of undressing. Oh yes indeed, the authors have seen these signals countless times in our heads. This may even actually happen in real life for all we know.

 What’s happening below?

This woman may be bored with the conversation. See how her eyes focus downwards and her mouth is straight. The authors see these micro-expressions very often. Notice also how she holds a loaded gun against her head. Women are truly such mysterious creatures.


Planning a wedding can be hard, very hard. In fact it’s so hard that it is beneficial to plan how to plan the wedding before starting your planning. In fact, planning plans can be difficult too, so you may choose to pre-plan planning your planning.

Whichever way you choose, you’re going to need some tips. And luckily enough, the authors are more than happy to get our tips out for the lasses. Read on.

The engagement

So, ladies, you’ve successfully manipulated the man you’ve settled for into proposing and now you can set a date for the wedding. But how long should an engagement last we hear you ask in that needy way of yours. Well, we are hear to enlighten you.

Some people prefer to have a matter of weeks or months between engagement and the wedding itself. However, these people are idiots. Everyone knows that the correct length of an engagement is three to five years. Note that this is not for the benefit of you or your intended, but for the benefit of your family, friends and colleagues. You should afford these people as long as possible to listen to you talk about your wedding plans. They’ll never grow tired of hearing all about your cake and your flowers, no way.

How to find time to plan a wedding

As a time-poor over-achiever, you are probably worried about how you could possibly find the time to organise a wedding. Well worry not because there is a perfect place to plan and organise your dream day – the workplace.

While under normal circumstances it would be unacceptable to neglect the requirements of your job in order to deal with a private matter this does not apply to weddings. Some people don’t know this however. Should a colleague or boss challenge you on your poor work performance just say, “Excuse me! I’m getting MARRIED yeah?” roll your eyes and flounce off. They’ll understand.

Remember that for your colleagues, your wedding is a source of endless fascination. It’s important therefore to narrate the progress of your wedding plans for the benefit of your co-workers. Be sure to read out every wedding related email you receive and provide a loud summary of each wedding related phone conversation. Don’t forget to tell them how much everything costs as well. Many of your workmates will have never been to a wedding or even know what one is so be considerate and keep them up to date at all times.

The importance of details

The importance of planning a wedding perfectly can’t not be not misunderestimatedly calculated unincorrectly. For this reason, do not under any circumstances delegate any of the wedding planning tasks to your fiancée. He’ll definitely fuck it up. Men are so stupid that if you send yours out to organise wedding cars he’ll probably come back with a Toblerone and an old sock or something.

The authors have attended hundreds of weddings in our time and can report that many are let down by inattention to detail. At one such wedding the flowers in the church were of a different colour to the flowers at the reception venue! Naturally, when the guests saw this grotesque error they all left immediately, many spitting in the bride’s face on the way out.

The authors went further and we began a campaign, lasting several weeks, of abuse and harassment of these putrid newly-weds. On a nightly basis we pushed dog faeces through their letter box and smashed their windows. We scrawled graffiti the outside of their house, using slogans such as, “Fucktard Flower Wankers,” “Dipshit Wedding Nonces,” and, “Shitting Marriage Hitlers.” Eventually this couple left the country and have never been heard of again. Sister or not, the authors feel this was probably for the best.

What The Animal World Teaches Us About Relationships

Relationships start with dating, but with the world being such a crazy, modern place, which is only getting crazier and more modern, it’s often hard to define exactly what dating is. At what point does having a drink with a friend become a date? When does dating someone turn into a relationship? When does a relationship turn into something serious? Woah, calm down there! Let’s turn down this pressure-cooker: you’re getting carried away.


The truth is, dating can be tricky. You’re slowly revealing your inner character to someone, hoping that they like the person you’ve pretended to be enough that they’ll stick around to see if they like the person that you really are. Similarly, this works both ways: you’re beginning to get to know someone more than superficially. Are they actually anything like the person they pretended to be to get you interested? Together, you’re passing from infatuation based on physicality or spurious commonalities to a deeper understanding about character and compatibility. At least, that’s his reasoning for breaking wind in front of you, and it’s her reasoning for wearing granny pants!

The thing is, no other species on the planet dates. It is an entirely human concept. And seeing as we all evolved from dinosaurs bumming chimps or whatever, we have plenty to learn from our animal co-inhabitants on this planet. This is what the animal world teaches us about relationships.


Pack Mentality. In order to secure what they need, animals group together in working for a common goal, setting ego aside to achieve something which benefits the pack. The evidence of this can be seen in bars and clubs all across the world on Friday and Saturday nights. Boxes of Smarties (the technical name for a group of lads wearing the same YSL shirt in different shades of pastel) scour their territorial areas searching out the easy targets, the weak, infirm or injured. (Disabled counts as injured.) This is why girls also group together: pack mentality provides safety in numbers. Of course, the key element to any pack mentality is having a strong wingman. (Calling them “Goose” or “Maverick” is optional.) The wingman is your secret weapon: whether you need them to break the ice with your intended, or set up a fake TV dating show to help you meet someone, they are the lifeblood of your pack.


Confidence. Dating is all about confidence: the authors can’t believe you are so stupid as to not know that! Have you ever seen an animal that is unconfident? No, because they don’t exist. Some people say that’s because animals lack self-awareness, but anyone who’s seen a cat look grumpy after being disturbed from sleep will know that’s not true. No, the reason all animals are confident is because at some point in their life, they will have eaten the heart of a bear to claim its courage. You need to do the same.


Pheromones. The existence of human pheromones continues to be a subject of much scientific debate, like the existence of gravity and whether electricity is evil. However, in the animal world, pheromones indisputably exist and often the way of choosing a mate. Think, for example, of the manner in which dogs greet each other: sniffing each other’s bums is a great way to inhale pheromones, but this can look a little peculiar if you try it on prospective partners! Instead, you need to amp up your pheromones in order to stand out from the crowd. Women, the simple answer for this is perfume. Remember, if his eyes aren’t watering, you’re not wearing enough. Men, too, have a simple solution: Lynx. If adverts have taught us anything, it’s that women can’t resist!


Doggy style. Hahahaha!


Commitment. There are some species, for example the beaver, swan or cockroach, which mate for life. It can be romantic for you to ask your partner to be your beaver, or your cockroach. Then there are others whose relationship barely lasts longer than copulation, with the prime example for this being the praying mantis – which many people believe the female eats the head of the male after intercourse. There is a massive common misconception about the praying mantis, however, which needs to be cleared up. The fact is, praying mantises don’t pray! Most are atheists although a few are agnostic.


Raising families. There is a species of fish where the mother carries its young around in its mouth in order to protect them while they are vulnerable. The Mouth Brooding African Cichlids are a vibrant species whose population numbers are increasing. On the other hand, male seahorses are entrusted to care for juveniles and guide them safely to adulthood to continue the species. Seahorses are endangered.

How to be a Cougar

As the authors know only too well, just five years ago having an intimate relationship with a Cougar meant late night scaling of fences, very nasty claw inflicted injuries, blanket bans from zoos Europe-wide and regrettably, spells in prison. However, the definition of Cougar has thankfully widened since that time to include sassy, sexually assertive, menopause-defying, go-getting women. The kind of women that do zumba and listen to young people music like Natasha Bedingfield on their pink iPod Nanos. 

For such ladies having sexual encounters with much younger men is an empowering past time.  It’s not even slightly demeaning to both parties. Not at all. And for busy female executives having sex with younger men is great time management as they are invariably premature ejaculaters. You can enjoy a liaison with your young beau on your lunch break and still have time for a wheat grass smoothie and a Boot Camp session at the gym.

Long gone are the days when it was considered inappropriate for an older lady to date a younger man. In fact, in 2011 it is considered preferable! This wonderful change in attitudes can be traced to the positive portrayal of older women and the popularisation of the word ‘Cougar’ by the widely viewed TV show Last of the Summer Wine.  Attitudes have changed remarkably in a few short years.

Often associated with the word Cougar is ”MILF,’ which stands for ‘Mother I’d Like to (be)Friend.’ A subtle difference to the word Cougar is that women of any age can be described as a MILF. All they need to have done to qualify for this special label is to have had a child and still, somehow, against the odds, be attractive to men. MILF, like Cougar, is a massive compliment and is not misogynistic at all. Indeed, what could be a bigger boost to a young mum’s self-esteem than to hear that a man “definitely would” despite the frankly grotesque fact that she has previously given birth? There’s no higher compliment. 

Becoming a Cougar

So how do you, yes you, become a Cougar? It’s easy once you know how. And we are here to inflate your knowledge Space Hopper with advice air.

First, know your target. Men, and particularly young men, are very visual.  Therefore your appearance is very important and they are unlikely to go anywhere near you if you look your real age. Thankfully there are a dizzying array of products and techniques available to make you look much younger than you are and you should use them all.

At this point we will acknowledge that some experts suggest that appearing to be the age you actually are is a good thing and that the youth obsessed, consumer society in which we live is a toxic and deeply troubling  environment which diminishes us all both old and young. Which is all very well, but all we’ll say is this. These experts are usually dumpy women, have slightly yellow teeth, own loads of cats, smell of tuna and wear baggy jumpers. Yeah? So let’s move on.

To catch your boy fish you need the right bait in your tackle box. We recommend the following. Get Botox. Get liposuction. Get hair extensions. Get a spray tan. Get a Brazilian. Get a Brazilian personal trainer. Run and jump obstacles like a Brazilian electrician. Dress to impress. Carry yourself like a star. Pretend you are Cheryl Cole (but don’t punch black people in toilets). With all of these things combined, it’s easily possible for a 44-year-old woman to look like a weird 38-year-old woman.

Now you look the part, it’s time for the Big Top high-wire act where you tame your young lion and put him inside your clown’s pocket.

The Magic Words

It’s easy to find young men, they’re everywhere, but many Cougars worry about how to talk to them. Luckily for you, we have a 100% guaranteed idiot-proof fail-safe trick that will work 100% of the time in 87% of cases. If you are chatting up a young pup and don’t know what they are talking about, there are three magic words that will work with anyone aged 16-20 every time. These magic words are very powerful. And they are “Yeah. Epic fail.” The authors have no idea what the words mean, but they work!

Let’s say you’re in a pub in South London, putting the moves on a buff 18-year-old cockney sparrow window cleaner. Things are going well, you have told him about your love of zumba and he has let you feel his biceps. But then he says, “Cor blimey guvnor. Love a duck. It’s time Arsene sold bleedin’ Cesc and brought someone top top top like Messi. Innit?”

Naturally, you won’t understand this, but never fear. Keep calm, take a deep breath and say the three magic words: “Yeah. Epic fail.” Your target will probably smile and say, “Aw yeah, Innit. Nom nom,” and you can then proceed to consummate your new relationship behind some bins in the car park.  Afterwards, if your new BF says something like, “Fack. That was like a wizard’s sleeve, yeah?” just smile and use the magic words again.

How To Be A Guest At A Wedding

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man, in possession of his own faculties, must be in want of a wife. But unbelievably, there are some cretins out there who are NOT married yet! Can you believe it?! There must be something very, very wrong with these people. But, luckily, some of these simpleton singletons may have stumbled across this book, or perhaps been given it as a gift. This means, of course, that their life is transformed and they may well be getting married. And if you’re the person who gave them this book (and therefore are directly responsible for making them a Proper Human Being) then they may invite you to celebrate their wedding. Weddings can be beautiful ceremonies; they can also be nightmares made flesh. Here’s how to deal with the whole hideous/wonderful process of being a guest at a wedding.

When you receive your invitation be sure to read it thoroughly – it contains important information on things such as meal choices, directions, wedding gifts etc. Once finished, discard the invitation. Don’t worry about RSVPing – they just put that on because it’s traditional and it’s a bit French so it sounds posh. (It actually stands for Récupérer S’il Vous Plait, which translates as “Please recycle”.) It’s best to wait for the harassed bride or groom to ring you – this is what they would prefer, and it’s always nice to have a natter. When you do receive this call, a week before the wedding, don’t worry if you’ve forgotten the meal options, or to book accommodation – the happy couple will be overjoyed to sort all this for you, after all they want YOU at their wedding, not the other way around! Also, don’t be afraid to complain about the food selection, or to mention your newfound allergy to wheat/yeast/carbohydrates/air. Any dietary requirements should be mentioned as close to the day as possible – the couple will enjoy the challenge. Of course, vegetarians should keep their food choices to themselves; if a vegetarian option is included you should be grateful that your frail belief system has been acknowledged. Nobody cares that you’ve eaten goat’s cheese tartlet with a balsamic reduction at every other wedding you’ve ever been to.

If you do decide to RSVP, maybe out of boredom, be sure to omit vital information from your reply, such as your meal choice, or the fact that you intend to bring with you an elderly incontinent relative not included in the invitation. When selecting a gift, ignore any on the so-called ‘Wedding List’ as these are clearly presumptuous and will only include overpriced aspirational items way above the social level of the couple in question. Instead, have a flick through the Argos catalogue, or pop down your local corner shop and see what’s on BOGOF. A nearby motorway service station can also be a rich hunting ground. Everyone loves Now That’s What I Call Hits! 1990 on tape.

On the day of the wedding, don’t spend too much time on your appearance – the couple would rather you be comfortable, so feel free to rock up in some old trackie bums and your favourite holey band t-shirt. Ladies: if you prefer to go all out for special occasions, be sure to cake on the makeup good and thick – remember, there will be photos! Consider a spray tan and false eyelashes, and when picking your dress and accessories your mantra should be ‘must upstage the bride, must upstage the bride’. Ignore any times stipulated in your discarded invite – these should be taken as a guide at best. They were probably instituted by an uptight bridezilla with control issues. Instead arrive at the time most convenient to you. Be sure to take careful note of the two people at the front of the aisle – if you don’t recognise either of them, you may have arrived on the wrong day. Some couples like to hold a reception line – this is a chance for them to look down their noses at friends and family, who are required to simper about the beauty of the bride, the charmingness of the groom, and the awesomeness of the ceremony. Don’t get sucked into their game: instead, make barbed remarks about the appropriateness of the bride wearing white until you are escorted away to the buffet table.

Approach the wedding breakfast as you would the food on a cruise – you’ve paid for this meal in the form of your present, so you should be allowed to gorge yourself to your heart’s content. Many couples include table wine or even an open bar for their guests – you should approach these offerings with the gusto they deserve. Be sure to make plenty of toasts – drink long and deep to the health of the couple, the longevity of the marriage, the continued financial solvency of the caterers – the list goes on. Everyone wants their wedding to be memorable, and a visit from the police, ambulance or fire service can be just the ticket for cementing the big day in the minds of guests. It might even make the local paper – what an unexpected treat!

Additionally, it is a requirement of law that to become a bridesmaid a young girl must be single, desperate and unable to take her drink. In some counties, local government may also institute optional clauses about attire, which should be flouncy babydoll meets jailbait. It is considered bad wedding etiquette for a single male to leave a reception without making at least one attempted pass at a bridesmaid. If no bridesmaids are available, a member of the wedding party is an acceptable substitution. When selecting your target let the rules of the Serengeti be your guide: the young, old and physically/mentally weak present the least challenge to a full-blooded carnivore. Go get ‘em tiger!

How To Take Off A Bra

Bras, or to give them their full name brassieres, were invented in the late 1800s in a convent near Bordeaux by nuns who were determined that men should never get their hands on nature’s wonders. Over the years, the locks and chains have been removed from the devices to make them more comfortable for women to wear, but the essential principle behind them remains unchanged. They are now fastened tightly shut with a cunning combination of hooks and elastic. Be careful! Elastic can be dangerous. Since it was introduced to the modern bra post-World War 2, the number of men who have been blinded in one eye has increased by thirty per cent.

Remember, a bra is the enemy. They are devices designed to ensnare beautiful ladylumps, and the secret to their successful operation is a closely guarded secret. (You should also whisper the word “bra” if you ever need to actually say it out loud.) But you’re reading this because you want to know every little secret of a perfect relationship! Luckily, we can help.

As we all know, practice makes perfect. You should spend as much time as possible trying to undo bras. If you’re waiting in an elevator with a colleague at work, try to undo her bra through her blouse. If you’re on the tube on the way to work, try to undo someone’s bra. Don’t worry that you don’t know these women – because you’re concentrating on the bra’s fastening, at the back of the device, you’re in a non-sexual zone, so women don’t mind.

It can also be very sensual to tear the bra off with your teeth. Slobbering over the fabric is probably the best way to loosen its complicated strappings, but this is recommended only when you DO know the lady in question. Don’t get bitey in the elevator or on the tube!

A useful line to avoid all this kerfuffle is to tell your ladyfriend very early on in your relationship that “there’s nothing sexier than a woman taking off her own bra.” Hopefully, she will remember this, and you’ll never have to tangle with the fiendish contraptions again.

Should the worst happen and you find yourself in an intimate situation with a lady, and bra-related complications arise, don’t panic. Break the tension by tweaking her bosoms and say “Honk, honk.” (“Awooga!” is an acceptable substitute.) This gives you enough time to have a long hard look at the lock on the back of the bra. Have a fiddle with it – pull it away from the skin and let it slap back down again as sometimes this loosens it. If all else fails, just resort to PG-13 sex where the bra remains on even after the most intense of implied lovemaking scenes in Hollywood movies.


Ladies! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the advice in this chapter isn’t for you. Thanks to rampant Western consumerism, humanity’s inherent greed and vast buckets of fried-chicken laziness, bra complications are no longer the nightmare of just men. That’s right, ladies, the moob is here, it’s beautiful and it is an absolute certainty that eventually you will come face to face with the manbra, or mansierre. The first thing to say is: don’t be afraid. It is very similar in structure and purpose to your own brassiere. But don’t let that make you cocky, either: just because you’re used to your own bra doesn’t mean you can handle a manbra! Hopefully you’ll struggle with its fiendish contraptions, but just remember that you’re centuries behind in this battle and take it with good grace. You’ve got a long way to go before we’ll listen to your complaining!

How Do You Know If You’re In Love?

So, you’ve met someone that you like, and they seem to like you back. You’ve probably been dating them for a while. You might have met their parents, or slept with them. (Your partner; not their parents!) Things are going really, really well. You’re happy. Don’t be fooled – this is perfectly normal, and naturally, it won’t last. There’s something on its way to upset this unusual state of affairs. It’s the approaching fear that you might be in love with them – and the terrifying thought that they might be in love with you, too.

Knowing if you’re in love is a little bit like Schrödinger’s cat. Schrödinger was a quantum physicist and theoretical biologist who grew up in the same neighbourhood as Albert Einstein and the two were inseparable childhood friends – Schrödinger even met his wife through Einstein. However, their relationship took a tragic turn in late 1935 when Einstein went on holiday and, not fully trusting his live-in girlfriend, asked Schrödinger to look after his cat.

Schrödinger took advantage of this situation by performing an experiment that has become famous across the world, known erroneously as “Schrödinger’s Cat” (as the cat was Einstein’s) or the cat-in-the-box experiment.

In this famous experiment, Schrödinger locked the cat up in a box for a week. At the end of the week, he wasn’t sure if the cat was alive or dead. He stipulated a theory that the cat was both alive and dead inside the box. The only way to find out was to look inside the box. However, quantum mechanics dictate that he affects the outcome of the experiment by measuring it. In effect, it is by looking inside the box does he take the risk of killing the cat. If he does not look inside, the cat is potentially still alive.

So what does this have to do with knowing if you’re in love? It’s quite simple, really. Imagine your life is the box. And the cat is love. Or the other way around. At any time, you may or may not be in love. Probably, both. If you look in the box, you will either find love alive and well, or love will be dead. The secret is not to look for love. But you can’t help it, can you? You peek in the box. By peeking in the box, you’re proving that you’re in love. But the act of peeking in the box kills the love. And that, dear reader, is what catch-22 is. (It is also useful in helping to explain where pineapples come from.)

There is hope, however. Einstein’s cat survived the full week, which indicates that love is sometimes possible. But when Einstein returned from holiday, he discovered that Schrödinger had actually eloped with Einstein’s live-in girlfriend. Which proves that love is a myth. Or it is real. Either way, it’s all relative. And you’re in love at any given moment. Or not. See? Relative. But the important thing is that the cat survived and was not punched in its little face.

Dating with an Age Difference

Dating an actual other human being can be a complicated yet rewarding process, but – despite however much you have in common – you will always have far more in uncommon. You may be tall and they may be short; you may like Marmite and they may hate it; you may even be a man and they are a woman! But every relationship has to overcome these differences. One such troublesome issue is the question of age differences. For the purposes of this entry, we have decided that anyone ten years older or younger than you constitutes being Significantly Different, and therefore you need to adapt your behaviour as such. We would also like to stress that this does not apply until you’re at least 26, certainly in Britain. If you’re in a country where the legal age is less than 16, or perhaps you’re in Victorian Britain, then you can be younger than this.

Dating Someone Younger

Wear a hoodie. Have a look on iTunes for something popular and download that onto your mobile phone to have as your ringtone. Think that meeting their parents will be easy – you’ll have lots in common. Try not to think the word “paedo.” Refrain from asking for the children’s menu in restaurants. Think twice before going to bars. You may even have to check the rating of the film you’re going to see.

Be careful not to talk about things they won’t know about, like movies from your childhood, current affairs, or books. Instead, stick to topics that they’ll understand. Talk about text messaging, Pokemon and hanging out by McDonalds. Impress them with your car and ability to buy both alcohol and cigarettes. Discuss the bouquet of Lambrini and make sure you always carry a blade on you – kids these days love their knifecrime.

You’ll need to brush up on your language – get your slang in proper order. Spend some time on to be able to communicate with them. (Look up ‘Salty Pirate’ and see if they are up for it.) Make sure you get it right though – don’t try and bond with your date over “bubetoobing” or “bookfacing.”

Dating Someone Older

The important thing when dating someone older than you is ensuring that they aren’t mistaken for your Mum or Dad. In order to stave off the inevitable “So, is that your Dad?” question, we advise prominent public displays of affection (PDAs). Introduce them with a firm, open-palmed buttock slap, or with your tongue in their throat. If you don’t make this clear from the off, you’ll find a situation turns awkward very quickly. Imagine if you were sat with friends and then one of them starts getting off with what you thought was their Mum!

You may need to research the Freudian theories of the Oedipus Complex or its female equivalent, the Electra Complex. In this, of course, Sigmund Freud postulates that every man wants to kill his father and sleep with his mother, while every daughter wants to kill the mother and sleep with the father. Freud, however, was a pathological liar whose wild claims include inventing hummus, the hand-blender and geese, so we can pretty much dismiss whatever the old perve was banging on about. You may want to guard against unfounded “Oedipus” accusations by reading the Greek play from which the complex takes its name. Its working title was Cor She’s a MILF but this was changed to Oedipus Rex. It was originally intended as a avant-garde piece of contemporary theatre starring dogs. So when uneducated people accuse you of Oedipalismisticness you can educate them about Sophocles’ daringly original source material and conclude by telling them you’re more of a cat person.

In order to truly bond with your Significant Elder, we advise that you brush up on your history – so the two of you can reminisce about the Great War. Have an opinion about inheritance tax. Bring a pack of Werther’s Originals. Bring something that can double as incontinence pants. Talk loudly. Explain again what an iPod is. Try not to think about leather or creases. Look in the FT for information about house prices and variable rates of interest. Explain that the internet is no longer in black and white but in full colour now.

How to Propose

Sometimes, horrifically, there can come a time in your blossoming relationship when the Disney princess idyllic fairy-dust Christmas morning brand new puppy feeling is just not there every minute of every day. This is inevitably an anxious time for some men, but needn’t be for you! Fortunately, we have a guaranteed way to prolong the absurd pretence that you have somehow found your soul-mate in the small homogeneous circle of dull people you mix with. That’s right guys, it’s time to propose! As Beyonce famously sang, if you like [your potential spouse] then you [should consider] put[ting] a ring on [your potential spouse’s finger] whoa uh oh, whoa uh oh.

Many men are fearful of proposing marriage. Common concerns are the potential for rejection, getting the etiquette wrong or tying yourself into a lifelong cycle of torment and mutual loathing with a hideous she-goblin you hardly know. However we suggest you look on the (b)rightside, and turn that frown upside your head!

Because as every man knows, there is nothing on God’s earth as heart-stoppingly exciting as watching a beautiful woman pushing a delicate finger inside her very own ring.

Do things right

Some experts suggest that it is no longer necessary to ask your partner’s father’s permission prior to inflicting your proposal on her. These people point to the fact that the year is no longer 15-fucking-23 and you’re not a character in a Jane fucking Austen novel and what difference would it make if he said no anyway you massive fucking dick? But these experts are wrong. It is of vitally and paramountally important importance. Statistics show that marriages where permission has not been sought have a failure rate of a staggering 100%!!! (in 18% of cases). Therefore asking your prospective father in law for the hand (and other bits) of your partner is not only romantic, it really works! Science says so.

But how we hear you ask? Here’s how. Telephone your new dad and arrange an appointment at his home. Wear a suit, a cummerbund and a monocle if you have one. At the appointed time go to his house and ask to speak with him alone in the drawing room (or garage if he doesn’t have a drawing room). Talk really posh. Now list all of the things about his daughter that make your heart sing and ask for his blessing. Don’t get down on one knee because that would be fucked.

Please note that you don’t need to ask your future mother in law’s permission because she’s a woman and as such what she thinks doesn’t count.

Good work! So now you’ve laid the underlay, it’s time to Carpet That Diem!

The proposal

There are many ways you can propose and some work better than others. As a general rule, it’s probably not a good idea to propose by email, text message or by writing on her facebook wall. Many men assume that the best way to propose is by wrapping a letter written in blood around a brick and throwing it through her living room window late at night, but research shows this is unlikely to meet with a positive response.

The secret word here is ROMANCE. In short, you should attempt to romance the shit out of your intended wife. Some men fear that they may over-do the romance and come across as insincere, creepy and slightly psychotic. However it is not possible to over-romance the scenario of a proposal. It’s useful to imagine that your partner is developmentally retarded. Think love hearts, Cupids arrows, My Little Pony and wickle bunny rabbits. All the really fucked up stuff.

 As an aside, the authors have proposed to women loads of times, like probably 80 times between us and so we know what we’re talking about.

The absolute best and 103% guaranteed to work proposal scenario is to do it on telly. Suitable shows are Sixty Minute Makeover, Cash in the Attic or Animal Hospital. Best of all is Britain’s Got Talent. Learn how to juggle burning dogs or something, wow the judges with your act and then lose in the final show. As they commiserate with you announce you have something to ask your partner. Get her up on stage. Get down on one knee (remember to extinguish the dogs first) and pop the question. Now that’s romance!

Most TV shows are suitable but don’t propose on Crimewatch.

Of course, it’s not always possible to get on telly so if you can’t engineer this situation, then we suggest the following proposal scenario.

Wait until your partner goes to work and you have the house to yourself. If do not cohabit then break into her house when she’s out. First, cover every surface in the house with rose petals. To cover the walls and ceilings we suggest affixing the petals using a strong solvent. Next, put loads of candles everywhere. Then blow up loads of heart-shaped balloons all over the place. Next, place 8 foot tall pink teddy bears on every chair or sofa, smear Belgian chocolate over all mirrors, pictures and windows, release baby deer and white doves into the house and fill the sinks and toilets with pink champagne.

Finally, arrange some candles into a large heart shape in the living room, get down on one knee in the middle wearing a tuxedo and clasping the ring. Wait for your lucky lady to return home. This may take a few hours, so bring a packed lunch!

When your future wife arrives she will melt! Be aware that sometimes women are so romanced they will experience nausea, or even actually vomit. If this happens, this is a good sign. She may also say something like, “What the fuck have you done to my house? There’s deer shit everywhere!” She may appear angry but this is not anger, it’s love. This is when you should pop the question. Remember to talk really posh again and try to be as trite as you can. Don’t be afraid to be trite. Trite is good! Be a Trite-an! Say something like, “Zoe, I would be most humbly honoured if you would do me the honour of becoming my lady wife for ever after.” Oh and say something about being soul-mates.

With all the above you now have the tools. In fact, with this much knowledge, you are the tool! Now go and make your princess’s day!