It’s a well-known fact of life that men can attract women simply by having a nice car. Indeed, a recent survey found that 78% of women will fellate any man on the spot without a second thought if that man owns a Ferrari.
We know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But I don’t own a Ferrari! I’ll never attract women. I’m off to drink some paint and throw myself in the canal. I hate myself.”
Well put that Dulux down young man because thankfully we, the authors are here to help. We know how to turn your car into a hoo haa magnet and you into a hoo haa magnate even if you drive a 1993 Ford Fiesta! Read on and find out how a few simple tips can change things for you.
The body kit
Remember that women will view your car is an extension of you. As such you need a muscular body kit like the one above to plant a subconscious thought seed in the female’s girlmind that you are a musclebound beefcake. It doesn’t matter if you‘re not actually buff because women won’t notice. Pretty sweet eh?
A vital part of pimping your ride is a fixing a massive spoiler on the back. The bigger the better. Spoilers send a powerfully erotic message to women. For girls there is nothing sexier than a man with a huge spoiler. Indeed, many women are able to achieve orgasm just by looking at spoilers in the Halfords catalogue. Sigmund Freud wrote extensively on this phenomenon and also invented The Freudian Slip, a type of nightdress for your mother to wear.
Look at this spoiler, it’s a beauty. It turns a Honda into a Wonder!
The exhaust pipe
An often overlooked method of driving the ladies wild is to install a custom exhaust pipe. Why is this so important? We’re going to be blunt here and tell you that the exhaust pipe is a metaphor for your penis. Ask yourself, what woman would want to have sex with a man who has a small factory-fitted penis which makes a reedy little noise and produces white smoke? That‘s right! None.
What women want in a penis is length, width and for it to emit a mighty roar. You should therefore invest in a huge exhaust that is as noisy as possible. As a guide it should sound like Thor the god of thunder crashing a Boeing 747 into Brian Blessed‘s house.
Check this out.
The authors have firsthand experience of this. After fitting a beefy exhaust to our 1996 Hyundai Excel we found that women would often faint as we drove past, the glorious sound triggering an overwhelming lust in their fragile brain storks. A trail of prostrate beauties littered the pavements behind us.
Another excellent way to attract girls is to play music very loudly with your windows down. This will signal to women that you are confident, available and ready for action. But what music should you play? Why, David Guetta of course!
There are various other things you can do to your car to trick girls into liking you. Think about stickers. Why not have a sticker in your rear windscreen depicting a naked lady? This sends a clear message – that you like naked ladies! Women like men who know what they like.
Alloy wheels are another sure-fire way to attract hot chicks. A recent study by scientists at Oxford University found that women see alloy ownership as being the third most valued quality in a man, behind honesty and reliability.
Some men just stencil the question, “Interested” and their phone number on the back of their car as shown in this photograph.
We think this approach is too subtle. We suggest being more direct. Stencil the statement, “I would like to have full sex with a woman before I turn thirty please. Make yourself known.”