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HOW TO KNOW WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY THINKING

For men, trying to understand what the hell women are thinking can be a minefield. An absolute minefield. Not unlike the minefields Princess Diana, God rest her soul, campaigned so tirelessly to have illegalised prior to that tragic Paris evening in 1997 when a shit-faced Henri Paul drove England’s Rose into a big fucking pillar.

Anyway, one of the reasons so many men end up maimed in the female bomb maze is simply misunderstanding the non-verbal signals given off by the opposite sex – body language.  But there’s no need for you to lose a metaphorical leg and hobble around on a metaphorical bloody stump screaming in metaphorical anguish because we, the authors are here to assist.

Women – scary

Women are scary and bizarre creatures, by nature irrational and flighty. It’s not their fault, in the same way that dogs eating their own poo isn’t their fault. It’s just the faulty way God made them. What you need to know is that women never say what they really mean, which is why you should never listen to anything a woman says under any circumstances.

Luckily there is a way for men to decipher what women really mean under all that talk of Twilight and ‘respect’ and all that. Body language! A woman can say what the hell they want but you can cut through the annoying fem-fog and know incontrovertibly what they really mean but won’t say because of their period-addled minds.

Body language is a miracle breakthrough that means that you will know women  better than they know themselves whether they like it or not. Read on.

Body language

When you meet, hit on, date or harass a woman it is likely that they will display one of a limited number of body language patterns. This is what you need to know. Take this picture for example.

Things are not going well. The female shows her disinterest by turning away, subconsciously looking for the exit and resting her head on her hand ever so slightly, signifying boredom. She places an arm in front of her to form a physical barrier to her prospective suitor.

The man is thinking about football.

But how could things go better? What would this picture look like if the woman loosened up and stopped being such an old bag? See below.

That’s much better. She is smiling and engaged in eye contact with the man and their touching hands demonstrate ease in each other’s company and mutual attraction.

The man is still thinking about football. And rightly so.

There are other common non-verbal clues to how a woman is feeling about you and we will now examine the most common. Take this picture for example.

The authors see this one a lot. Notice the pinched nostrils and wide eyes. See how she points a finger in an aggressive manner. These are subtle tell-tale signs that this lady is slightly angry. But why is she is slightly angry? Who cares? Not us.

How about this picture? What do this lady’s subtle non-verbal clues tell us about her feelings?

This lady is crying. This may signify unhappiness. She may be unhappy about what you have just said or what you just did.  Or she may have been cutting up onions. It’s probably onions. Did you know that you can make an onion cry by cutting up a human? Do it now.

Let’s move on. What’s happening here?

This woman is signalling with her body language that she is uninterested in what she is hearing. But how? Look closer. Notice how she purses her lips sightly and the slight furrow in her brow. Also see her choice of shirt. It’s stripey. No one who is listening wears stripes.

What about this?

This woman is making a bold statement. She is playing with her hair.  Her body posture is open, and welcoming. She has, without knowing, turned her hips to accentuate her thighs. See how she loosens a shoe in a subconscious rehearsal of undressing. Oh yes indeed, the authors have seen these signals countless times in our heads. This may even actually happen in real life for all we know.

 What’s happening below?

This woman may be bored with the conversation. See how her eyes focus downwards and her mouth is straight. The authors see these micro-expressions very often. Notice also how she holds a loaded gun against her head. Women are truly such mysterious creatures.

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