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Planning a wedding can be hard, very hard. In fact it’s so hard that it is beneficial to plan how to plan the wedding before starting your planning. In fact, planning plans can be difficult too, so you may choose to pre-plan planning your planning.

Whichever way you choose, you’re going to need some tips. And luckily enough, the authors are more than happy to get our tips out for the lasses. Read on.

The engagement

So, ladies, you’ve successfully manipulated the man you’ve settled for into proposing and now you can set a date for the wedding. But how long should an engagement last we hear you ask in that needy way of yours. Well, we are hear to enlighten you.

Some people prefer to have a matter of weeks or months between engagement and the wedding itself. However, these people are idiots. Everyone knows that the correct length of an engagement is three to five years. Note that this is not for the benefit of you or your intended, but for the benefit of your family, friends and colleagues. You should afford these people as long as possible to listen to you talk about your wedding plans. They’ll never grow tired of hearing all about your cake and your flowers, no way.

How to find time to plan a wedding

As a time-poor over-achiever, you are probably worried about how you could possibly find the time to organise a wedding. Well worry not because there is a perfect place to plan and organise your dream day – the workplace.

While under normal circumstances it would be unacceptable to neglect the requirements of your job in order to deal with a private matter this does not apply to weddings. Some people don’t know this however. Should a colleague or boss challenge you on your poor work performance just say, “Excuse me! I’m getting MARRIED yeah?” roll your eyes and flounce off. They’ll understand.

Remember that for your colleagues, your wedding is a source of endless fascination. It’s important therefore to narrate the progress of your wedding plans for the benefit of your co-workers. Be sure to read out every wedding related email you receive and provide a loud summary of each wedding related phone conversation. Don’t forget to tell them how much everything costs as well. Many of your workmates will have never been to a wedding or even know what one is so be considerate and keep them up to date at all times.

The importance of details

The importance of planning a wedding perfectly can’t not be not misunderestimatedly calculated unincorrectly. For this reason, do not under any circumstances delegate any of the wedding planning tasks to your fiancée. He’ll definitely fuck it up. Men are so stupid that if you send yours out to organise wedding cars he’ll probably come back with a Toblerone and an old sock or something.

The authors have attended hundreds of weddings in our time and can report that many are let down by inattention to detail. At one such wedding the flowers in the church were of a different colour to the flowers at the reception venue! Naturally, when the guests saw this grotesque error they all left immediately, many spitting in the bride’s face on the way out.

The authors went further and we began a campaign, lasting several weeks, of abuse and harassment of these putrid newly-weds. On a nightly basis we pushed dog faeces through their letter box and smashed their windows. We scrawled graffiti the outside of their house, using slogans such as, “Fucktard Flower Wankers,” “Dipshit Wedding Nonces,” and, “Shitting Marriage Hitlers.” Eventually this couple left the country and have never been heard of again. Sister or not, the authors feel this was probably for the best.


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