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How to be a Cougar

As the authors know only too well, just five years ago having an intimate relationship with a Cougar meant late night scaling of fences, very nasty claw inflicted injuries, blanket bans from zoos Europe-wide and regrettably, spells in prison. However, the definition of Cougar has thankfully widened since that time to include sassy, sexually assertive, menopause-defying, go-getting women. The kind of women that do zumba and listen to young people music like Natasha Bedingfield on their pink iPod Nanos. 

For such ladies having sexual encounters with much younger men is an empowering past time.  It’s not even slightly demeaning to both parties. Not at all. And for busy female executives having sex with younger men is great time management as they are invariably premature ejaculaters. You can enjoy a liaison with your young beau on your lunch break and still have time for a wheat grass smoothie and a Boot Camp session at the gym.

Long gone are the days when it was considered inappropriate for an older lady to date a younger man. In fact, in 2011 it is considered preferable! This wonderful change in attitudes can be traced to the positive portrayal of older women and the popularisation of the word ‘Cougar’ by the widely viewed TV show Last of the Summer Wine.  Attitudes have changed remarkably in a few short years.

Often associated with the word Cougar is ”MILF,’ which stands for ‘Mother I’d Like to (be)Friend.’ A subtle difference to the word Cougar is that women of any age can be described as a MILF. All they need to have done to qualify for this special label is to have had a child and still, somehow, against the odds, be attractive to men. MILF, like Cougar, is a massive compliment and is not misogynistic at all. Indeed, what could be a bigger boost to a young mum’s self-esteem than to hear that a man “definitely would” despite the frankly grotesque fact that she has previously given birth? There’s no higher compliment. 

Becoming a Cougar

So how do you, yes you, become a Cougar? It’s easy once you know how. And we are here to inflate your knowledge Space Hopper with advice air.

First, know your target. Men, and particularly young men, are very visual.  Therefore your appearance is very important and they are unlikely to go anywhere near you if you look your real age. Thankfully there are a dizzying array of products and techniques available to make you look much younger than you are and you should use them all.

At this point we will acknowledge that some experts suggest that appearing to be the age you actually are is a good thing and that the youth obsessed, consumer society in which we live is a toxic and deeply troubling  environment which diminishes us all both old and young. Which is all very well, but all we’ll say is this. These experts are usually dumpy women, have slightly yellow teeth, own loads of cats, smell of tuna and wear baggy jumpers. Yeah? So let’s move on.

To catch your boy fish you need the right bait in your tackle box. We recommend the following. Get Botox. Get liposuction. Get hair extensions. Get a spray tan. Get a Brazilian. Get a Brazilian personal trainer. Run and jump obstacles like a Brazilian electrician. Dress to impress. Carry yourself like a star. Pretend you are Cheryl Cole (but don’t punch black people in toilets). With all of these things combined, it’s easily possible for a 44-year-old woman to look like a weird 38-year-old woman.

Now you look the part, it’s time for the Big Top high-wire act where you tame your young lion and put him inside your clown’s pocket.

The Magic Words

It’s easy to find young men, they’re everywhere, but many Cougars worry about how to talk to them. Luckily for you, we have a 100% guaranteed idiot-proof fail-safe trick that will work 100% of the time in 87% of cases. If you are chatting up a young pup and don’t know what they are talking about, there are three magic words that will work with anyone aged 16-20 every time. These magic words are very powerful. And they are “Yeah. Epic fail.” The authors have no idea what the words mean, but they work!

Let’s say you’re in a pub in South London, putting the moves on a buff 18-year-old cockney sparrow window cleaner. Things are going well, you have told him about your love of zumba and he has let you feel his biceps. But then he says, “Cor blimey guvnor. Love a duck. It’s time Arsene sold bleedin’ Cesc and brought someone top top top like Messi. Innit?”

Naturally, you won’t understand this, but never fear. Keep calm, take a deep breath and say the three magic words: “Yeah. Epic fail.” Your target will probably smile and say, “Aw yeah, Innit. Nom nom,” and you can then proceed to consummate your new relationship behind some bins in the car park.  Afterwards, if your new BF says something like, “Fack. That was like a wizard’s sleeve, yeah?” just smile and use the magic words again.

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One response to “How to be a Cougar

  1. mathew docherty ⋅

    You should do a mens one. Middle aged men called ‘desparados’or ‘rams’ who need a shag before there dicks go flat.

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