Bras, or to give them their full name brassieres, were invented in the late 1800s in a convent near Bordeaux by nuns who were determined that men should never get their hands on nature’s wonders. Over the years, the locks and chains have been removed from the devices to make them more comfortable for women to wear, but the essential principle behind them remains unchanged. They are now fastened tightly shut with a cunning combination of hooks and elastic. Be careful! Elastic can be dangerous. Since it was introduced to the modern bra post-World War 2, the number of men who have been blinded in one eye has increased by thirty per cent.
Remember, a bra is the enemy. They are devices designed to ensnare beautiful ladylumps, and the secret to their successful operation is a closely guarded secret. (You should also whisper the word “bra” if you ever need to actually say it out loud.) But you’re reading this because you want to know every little secret of a perfect relationship! Luckily, we can help.
As we all know, practice makes perfect. You should spend as much time as possible trying to undo bras. If you’re waiting in an elevator with a colleague at work, try to undo her bra through her blouse. If you’re on the tube on the way to work, try to undo someone’s bra. Don’t worry that you don’t know these women – because you’re concentrating on the bra’s fastening, at the back of the device, you’re in a non-sexual zone, so women don’t mind.
It can also be very sensual to tear the bra off with your teeth. Slobbering over the fabric is probably the best way to loosen its complicated strappings, but this is recommended only when you DO know the lady in question. Don’t get bitey in the elevator or on the tube!
A useful line to avoid all this kerfuffle is to tell your ladyfriend very early on in your relationship that “there’s nothing sexier than a woman taking off her own bra.” Hopefully, she will remember this, and you’ll never have to tangle with the fiendish contraptions again.
Should the worst happen and you find yourself in an intimate situation with a lady, and bra-related complications arise, don’t panic. Break the tension by tweaking her bosoms and say “Honk, honk.” (“Awooga!” is an acceptable substitute.) This gives you enough time to have a long hard look at the lock on the back of the bra. Have a fiddle with it – pull it away from the skin and let it slap back down again as sometimes this loosens it. If all else fails, just resort to PG-13 sex where the bra remains on even after the most intense of implied lovemaking scenes in Hollywood movies.
Ladies! Don’t make the mistake of thinking that the advice in this chapter isn’t for you. Thanks to rampant Western consumerism, humanity’s inherent greed and vast buckets of fried-chicken laziness, bra complications are no longer the nightmare of just men. That’s right, ladies, the moob is here, it’s beautiful and it is an absolute certainty that eventually you will come face to face with the manbra, or mansierre. The first thing to say is: don’t be afraid. It is very similar in structure and purpose to your own brassiere. But don’t let that make you cocky, either: just because you’re used to your own bra doesn’t mean you can handle a manbra! Hopefully you’ll struggle with its fiendish contraptions, but just remember that you’re centuries behind in this battle and take it with good grace. You’ve got a long way to go before we’ll listen to your complaining!