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How to Propose

Sometimes, horrifically, there can come a time in your blossoming relationship when the Disney princess idyllic fairy-dust Christmas morning brand new puppy feeling is just not there every minute of every day. This is inevitably an anxious time for some men, but needn’t be for you! Fortunately, we have a guaranteed way to prolong the absurd pretence that you have somehow found your soul-mate in the small homogeneous circle of dull people you mix with. That’s right guys, it’s time to propose! As Beyonce famously sang, if you like [your potential spouse] then you [should consider] put[ting] a ring on [your potential spouse’s finger] whoa uh oh, whoa uh oh.

Many men are fearful of proposing marriage. Common concerns are the potential for rejection, getting the etiquette wrong or tying yourself into a lifelong cycle of torment and mutual loathing with a hideous she-goblin you hardly know. However we suggest you look on the (b)rightside, and turn that frown upside your head!

Because as every man knows, there is nothing on God’s earth as heart-stoppingly exciting as watching a beautiful woman pushing a delicate finger inside her very own ring.

Do things right

Some experts suggest that it is no longer necessary to ask your partner’s father’s permission prior to inflicting your proposal on her. These people point to the fact that the year is no longer 15-fucking-23 and you’re not a character in a Jane fucking Austen novel and what difference would it make if he said no anyway you massive fucking dick? But these experts are wrong. It is of vitally and paramountally important importance. Statistics show that marriages where permission has not been sought have a failure rate of a staggering 100%!!! (in 18% of cases). Therefore asking your prospective father in law for the hand (and other bits) of your partner is not only romantic, it really works! Science says so.

But how we hear you ask? Here’s how. Telephone your new dad and arrange an appointment at his home. Wear a suit, a cummerbund and a monocle if you have one. At the appointed time go to his house and ask to speak with him alone in the drawing room (or garage if he doesn’t have a drawing room). Talk really posh. Now list all of the things about his daughter that make your heart sing and ask for his blessing. Don’t get down on one knee because that would be fucked.

Please note that you don’t need to ask your future mother in law’s permission because she’s a woman and as such what she thinks doesn’t count.

Good work! So now you’ve laid the underlay, it’s time to Carpet That Diem!

The proposal

There are many ways you can propose and some work better than others. As a general rule, it’s probably not a good idea to propose by email, text message or by writing on her facebook wall. Many men assume that the best way to propose is by wrapping a letter written in blood around a brick and throwing it through her living room window late at night, but research shows this is unlikely to meet with a positive response.

The secret word here is ROMANCE. In short, you should attempt to romance the shit out of your intended wife. Some men fear that they may over-do the romance and come across as insincere, creepy and slightly psychotic. However it is not possible to over-romance the scenario of a proposal. It’s useful to imagine that your partner is developmentally retarded. Think love hearts, Cupids arrows, My Little Pony and wickle bunny rabbits. All the really fucked up stuff.

 As an aside, the authors have proposed to women loads of times, like probably 80 times between us and so we know what we’re talking about.

The absolute best and 103% guaranteed to work proposal scenario is to do it on telly. Suitable shows are Sixty Minute Makeover, Cash in the Attic or Animal Hospital. Best of all is Britain’s Got Talent. Learn how to juggle burning dogs or something, wow the judges with your act and then lose in the final show. As they commiserate with you announce you have something to ask your partner. Get her up on stage. Get down on one knee (remember to extinguish the dogs first) and pop the question. Now that’s romance!

Most TV shows are suitable but don’t propose on Crimewatch.

Of course, it’s not always possible to get on telly so if you can’t engineer this situation, then we suggest the following proposal scenario.

Wait until your partner goes to work and you have the house to yourself. If do not cohabit then break into her house when she’s out. First, cover every surface in the house with rose petals. To cover the walls and ceilings we suggest affixing the petals using a strong solvent. Next, put loads of candles everywhere. Then blow up loads of heart-shaped balloons all over the place. Next, place 8 foot tall pink teddy bears on every chair or sofa, smear Belgian chocolate over all mirrors, pictures and windows, release baby deer and white doves into the house and fill the sinks and toilets with pink champagne.

Finally, arrange some candles into a large heart shape in the living room, get down on one knee in the middle wearing a tuxedo and clasping the ring. Wait for your lucky lady to return home. This may take a few hours, so bring a packed lunch!

When your future wife arrives she will melt! Be aware that sometimes women are so romanced they will experience nausea, or even actually vomit. If this happens, this is a good sign. She may also say something like, “What the fuck have you done to my house? There’s deer shit everywhere!” She may appear angry but this is not anger, it’s love. This is when you should pop the question. Remember to talk really posh again and try to be as trite as you can. Don’t be afraid to be trite. Trite is good! Be a Trite-an! Say something like, “Zoe, I would be most humbly honoured if you would do me the honour of becoming my lady wife for ever after.” Oh and say something about being soul-mates.

With all the above you now have the tools. In fact, with this much knowledge, you are the tool! Now go and make your princess’s day!